Video clip of Jennifer Lopez's butt in Anaconda: Dream scene in horror-ific movie.

When I was in high school, there were two things I collected—hand written notes on college ruled looseleaf, returned to me from girls out of my league with No circled, instead of Yes or Maybe; and magazine pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s butt. The former made cry from sadness. The latter made me cry tears of joy—I guess you could call J-Lo’s rear end an Onion Ass.

It was before high school, though, when I was attending Millard Fillmore Junior High, that I was introduced to the only thing—besides the love scene between Maverick and Charlie in Top Gun—to ever simultaneously take my breath away and tempt me to scream like a schoolgirl. Fitting, because the movie that first showed me Jennifer Lopez's booty was Anaconda, the tag line of which, featured on the movie poster, was "When you can't breathe, you can't scream."

You can't scream when you can't breathe. And you can't breathe inside a 40 foot long anaconda. So I'm assuming you can't scream while being digested within a snake's intestines. If you could, though, and that snake was in a forest, would your scream make a sound?

Roger Ebert, one of the few movie critics to write a positive review, gave the movie 3 1/2 stars. I'm guessing his rating was a sum, adding together his rating for the entire movie with his rating for the scene featuring J-Lo's backside—a negative 1/2 for the former, and 4 for the latter.

Which scene am I talking about? The one that shows Jenny from the Block in a tantalizing almost see-through, gloves-the-body-like-Gary-Payton white dress—the same one that had me sweating in seventh grade, thinking about it while I was pedaling around the block on my neon green Huffy with Jose Canseco hitting on the spokes. And, thankfully, the same one that has been uploaded to YouTube.

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Key exercise to the Jennifer Lopez butt workout revealed by her trainer. And it's not eating tacos.

Of the six hundred and some-odd muscles in the in the human body, the gluteus maximus—a.k.a. the buttocks, butt, bottom, bum, backside, booty, and badonkadonk (and those are just the b's)—is the largest. That's a fact proven by scientists. My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun. That's a fact proven by singing along to "Baby Got Back" with Sir-Mix-a-Lot.

Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.

So when it comes to the butt on Jennifer Lopez, without hesitation, you could say that my anaconda does want some. But get your mind out of the gutter. The "some" that I want is the how—as in, how did J-Lo get a butt like that? And I know it wasn't from the block, or the rocks that she got. I'm still, I'm still...

Like I said, wondering how Jenny From The Block got two Hams From The Farm slipped into her stretch pants. So I Googled "jennifer lopez butt workout," hoping to find the exercises that created an asset allegedly worthy of an insurance policy. Apparently, Lopez didn't rely on exercises. More like exercise.

After first claiming "Jennifer Lopez's most notable achievement is making a curvy body a good thing in Hollywood," an article on fitnessmagazine.com claims "Here, the exercises from Jennifer Lopez's trainer to get her butt and toned body." It goes on to cite Gunnar Peterson, relaying the one exercise he gave the magazine for working out the butt and obliques.

The exercise: Twisting lunge

A. Stand with feet parallel, arms at sides. Take a large step backward with left foot.

B. Turn so your upper body faces all the way to the left, and pivot both feet so your left foot faces forward and your right foot faces out (heel of left foot is perpendicular to right). Lower hands toward floor over left leg, being careful to keep left knee in line with left ankle. Pivot back to center and repeat on opposite leg. Do 12 to 15 reps; switch sides.

Pardon my French, but what the eff?! The only thing I got from that gibberish about exercising my butt is that I should play Twister and hope for the best. Which I did during college at an all-night, co-ed pajama party, and "the best" was an embarrassing moment brought to you by the unbuttoned fly of my pajama pants.

Why tell us with words, instead of showing us with a video? Someone should introduce fitnessmagazine.com to Web 2.0 and broadband access. As my dad told me during our birds-and-the-bees talk, some things you just have to do yourself. Sometimes while sitting in a bean-bag chair in your basement, watching Kylie Minogue kick butt in Street Fighter.

Let's get one thing straight: the movie star who first introduced American audiences to ample ass cheeks wasn't Jenny From The Block; it was the Muscles From Brussels, Jean-Claude Van Damme, who showcased his bikini brief-ed blessings to moviegoers in a morning-after-sex scene in 1988's Bloodsport. And here's a video I made featuring three butt building exercises that will give you a prayer in recreating the miracle that is Jean-Claude Van Damme's butt—the one thing wanted by anacondas everywhere.

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Internet micro trend: Hot girls on YouTube wearing fake mustache styles. Like, for real!

Last November, in the DOJO's ongoing series Mustache Mondays, I reported about a current Web trend among trendy young women, in a blog titled "Hipster girls steal mustache style; Tom Selleck to investigate."

Did you think that wearing a mustache—like pissing in a urinal and wearing a cup—was a privilege reserved for men only? Silly rabbit. As true as Trix are for kids, mustaches are for boys and girls. And by girls, I'm not simply referring to hair-netted, nurse shoe-sporting grandmothers who think Waxing is a city in China. No, my friends. I'm talking about young and trendy hipster types—you know, the girls who get tattooed, pierced and depressed with equal regularity and fervor.

But apparently, it isn't just hipster girls who've commandeered the facial hair style perfected by Magnum, p.i.—it's YouTube girls too!

To discuss this mustache micro trend is guest video blogger, Bert Werdenstein. You could call him a Gentleman for Web 2.0. But I think he prefers "Winner in a Tie."

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T-Mobile cell phone commercial advertises No Derek With Mustache plan, breaking the heart of every teenage girl in range.

Last year, T-Mobile released their unlimited family plan—a cell phone plan "that meets the wide array of communication needs for parents and young adults alike," according to the press release. Haven't heard of it?

Maybe because you know it as the "Derek with a mustache" plan, thanks to T-Mobile's repetitively played commercial advertising both the plan's unlimited messaging and calling, and its "no Dereks with mustaches clause"—which, by the way, you'll find in the fine print. Oh, what a drag, dude.

Below is the commercial via YouTube. Some would say the highlight is the Younger Son who, when responding to cool-Dad-in-a-tie-and-jeans's declaration that the family can call and talk all they want, says "And you can call that lady at my soccer games you always stare at." Wrong. The best part is definitely the look on the face of the daughter, after "Derek with a mustache and Mustang Derek" is mentioned by Cool Dad. Is she dreaming about a ride in the Mustang? Or a ride on the mustache?


Why couldn't they show Derek in the commercial? Maybe because the ad censors wouldn't allow a commercial targeted at families to include a sex toy made by Mother Nature. Hoping to find a picture of someone Derek-esque, I did a Google image search for "mustang mustache." Below is the student ID of one "Mustang Bobby." No, his name isn't Derek. But his mustache is certainly something to dream about.

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MacGruber and MacGyver team up in Super Bowl Pepsi commercial advertisement featuring new can logo. It's Pepsuber! Or call it Pepsuberb.

According to the new advertisements from Pepsi, "every generation refreshes the world." And with every new generation, apparently, Pepsi refreshes its image. Or rather, the logo on its can.

And what better way to showcase that new logo than with a commercial during the Super Bowl.

The first one from Pepsi that caught my attention while watching was the spot starring Bob Dylan. Very cool. But to which current singer-songwriter does he pass the torch, the black male rapper who has carried Dylan's storytelling into a new genre of music-based poetry? Jay-Z? Kanye West? Neither. Will.i.am. (And, for clarification, that last period is for punctuation purposes.) It's well known that the current economic downturn is leading many major corporations to downsize budgets. Does this explain why Pepsi, to give a voice to the music aimed at its refreshed target audience, would choose a budget-class rapper?

But then Pepsi totally redeemed themselves. With a man who's mullet is as long in inches as his SNL skits are in number. MacGruber! What happens when you combine MacGruber and Pepsi in one advertisement? The answer can only be explained by a mathematical equation.


+

=Pepsuber!

But MacGruber's wasn't the only mullet showcased in the spot—joining Will Forte was none other than Richard Dean Anderson, who famously portrayed the awesomely good TV character, MacGyver (in a new movie?), upon whom the awesomely bad MacGruber parodies. It was almost too good to be true. And maybe—if you were too busy evacuating all that Bud Light (with extra "drinkability") from your bladder—you're thinking my reporting thereof is actually too good to be true. False! If you need to see to believe, then see. And believe!

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Top 5 photos of Jean-Claude Van Damme stretching. The best? It's a split decision.

When not making movies, Jean-Claude Van Damme has found time over the years since first starring as Frank Dux in Bloodsport in 1988 to make plenty of other things: three babies with two wives, white powder go up his nose, and his legs split apart like Paul Bunyan did with his axe to numerous tree trunks in the Great Lakes region during the 19th century.

How, you may be wondering, did Jean-Claude Van Damme manage to make his legs separate so easily, almost as if Babe the Blue Ox were pulling them on a rope from each ankle? A stretching routine that, expectedly, involves gym shoes, work out pants and padded mats; but, unexpectedly, also includes leather shoes, dress pants, and a seaside wharf.

Below are the five best pictures I found of Jean-Claude Van Damme stretching that aren't taken from one of his movies—because we've all seen him being literally pulled apart at the limbs by his sensei in Bloodsport, like, a million times on late-night cable already, or while watching your own VHS copy, your third because the tape on the first two broke down from too much rewinding. Right?

#5 Have Saucony shoes ever been so far apart while on two feet attached to the same human being? I don't think so. And neither have white cotton crew socks. I would call his cotton-based leg wear "sweat pants," if only he appeared to be breaking one while wearing them. Guess I should say "stretch pants," even though my palms are getting sweaty looking at the reflection in the mirror behind—ahem—him.


#4 It appears to be low, given the dock's exposed timbers. Judging from JCVD's dress pants, however, you'd think it was high tide in this unknown bay. I'd call Van Damme's butt cheeks the catch of the day—but we all know hams like those come from the local farm.

#3 A magazine pictorial proving that those bulging Belgian muscles look good on the beach and in the board room. And speaking of bulging, it seems as if one muscle was set aside (*cough*) for this flexibility photo op.

I couldn't bring myself to choose between the next two pictures, so I decided to make both number one—just like the two of JCVD's split legs make up the number one thing about him, next to his accent, spin kicks, dance moves and butt cheeks.

#1b Allow me to now take you on a ride on the Way-Back Machine. Our destination? A young JCVD, before the stardom, before the five marriages and, apparently, before the contacts. Hello, four eyes! I wish I had four eyes to focus on those nubile muscles, first learning to become pliable.


#1a And for the co-holder of the top spot displaying Van Damme's flexibility, it's a picture of Jean-Claude stretching...out an above-average blond who's hamstrings have above-average elasticity, and who's cleavage has above-average shadows. As my sensei demonstrates here, stretching—like Kool-Aid and your faith in Jesus—is meant to be shared. I bet Van Damme and and his blond-haired stretching student shared more than just a padded mat. Did somebody say fluids? No?

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