Meeting Angus MacGyver in real life turns fan into carboard. And his feelings into a poem.

While researching for a post about a possible new MacGyver movie (not another made-for-TV one, either), I did a Google image search using the term "macgyver," and it returned over 200,000 results. Definite proof that Angus MacGyver (yes, that's actually MacGyver's first name), although last seen in a new episode more than sixteen years ago, is alive and well on the Internets. And also proof that dashing good looks never go out of style—and I'll assume neither do brown leather bomber jackets, blond mullets, nor the creative application of the applied sciences to sticky situations in close proximity to explosive devices.

Why name him Angus? Isn't it obvious? You're looking at high-quality beef with a superior taste.

Displayed on the tenth page, among results 163-180, I found a picture, which I'll show below after first sharing my initial reaction to it in both stream-of-consciousness and italics.

My first impression was Sweet! An amateur photograph of a real-life Richard Dean Anderson. Man, he looks really real-life. In no way is that not actually a living, breathing, Angus MacGyver-portraying human being.

But then, after seeing the young man to Anderson's right, I thought Something's not right. He doesn't look really real like MacGyver does. Is it some sort of Photoshop trickery? Or maybe it's one of those life-sized cardboard cutouts that you see at the movie theaters. Yep, that's it!

And then I got really confused, because I thought, Wait. Wouldn't it be the other way around, with MacGyver as the cutout? Hold on. Is this one of Richard Dean Anderson's personal vacation photos, showing him posing with another celebrity, even more famous than himself? But who's more famous than MacGyver? That's definitely not Brendan Fraser. Or Christopher Walken. Maybe a young David Duchovny? Mother Effer! Who is this pale-faced man, his large, outward pointing ears mocking my awareness of celebrities more famous than MacGyver!

Maybe, after examining the photo, you'll fall victim to a similar line of thinking, a downward sloping path to lunacy. But before you start shaking your fists at God, questioning the authenticity of the reality around you like I did, I suggest you read the caption below it, written by the made-of-cardboard "Chris," the publisher of "Chris' Corner," the Web site where the photo is hosted.


"This picture was taken on March 16, 1991 after a hockey game featuring a celebrity team captained by MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) and the 1980 Olympic Gold Medal Team captained by Mike Eruzione. I waited over two hours to meet my hero and it was worth every minute. I even had a swiss army knife with me but I was only able to get either a photograph or a autograph. I decided to get a picture with MacGyver. There has been a long running joke that MacGyver had his picture taken with a cardboard cutout of me because I was in so much shock of meeting MacGyver that I almost don't look real. I shook his hand but all I could say was, "You're my hero!" He must have thought I was a dweeb. I didn't care. Still don't."

Have I ever mentioned that I once met my own hero? I immortalized our meeting by transcribing it in short story form, about how I encountered Jean-Claude Van Damme on the dance floor at a bar, the both of us hip thrusting in high-waisted khakis with pleats. Together, we protected twin brunette "working girls" from their Ivan Drago look-a-like pimp, disfiguring his Ruskie face with simultaneously executed, 360-degree spin kicks. True story. It all took place in the parking lot of the Lucky Lady Bar and Grill, in a wetday dream I had while sitting in "SPA 17 Spanish for the Tourist" at a nearby community college. Still half dazed and fully drooling, I said aloud "Jean-Claude, I think I'm falling for..." But before I could finish, Senora Werdenstein interrupted with "En espanol, por favor." She must have thought I was a dweeb. I didn't care. Still don't.

In addition to his own photos, Chris also features his own writing at the Corner, including original poems&mdash"These poems were written by me in various times of my life." After reading one these works, I wondered if it was written by Chris shortly after meeting MacGyver, serving as an artistic interpretation of the feelings that transformed him into a cardboard cut-out that almost didn't look real.

Is This Love Real?
Someone may know all you wants and needs
Someone may know how your heart will bleed
Someone may try to love you with all their might
Someone may try to turn all your bads into rights
But only you know how you feel inside
Only you know who to confide
Only you know how your heart will feel
Only you know if this love is real.

Jean-Claude, only you know how your heart will feel, if we ever tag team to permanently indent the face of a man who bears a strong resemblance to Dolph Lundgren. Only you know if this love is real. Sorry, Senora. Sólo usted sabe si este amor es verdadero.

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A Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonation for an Internet in love with the Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

Thief. Warrior. Gladiator. King.

Robin Hood was the first. Geronimo was the second. Russell Crowe was the third. And LeBron James is the fourth. But who could be all four? Put those descriptors into a Google search and the results bring back only one personage, pronounced as "Ahh-nold." That's because they're the tag line for the 1982 movie Conan the Barbarian, which featured a pre-Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger as the sword-swinging, Cimmerian-born star. After its successful run in theaters, you could add a fifth descriptor: Hollywood star.


Conan was the character that launched Arnie's career, helping to transform him into an actor who, at the height of his popularity in the 90s, commanded millions of dollars per role—millions of dollars that were, in turn, invested into the only heavenly body to ever devilishly destroy human wealth, Planet Hollywood. Even to this day, despite leaving Hollywood (both the Earthly city and the Planet) to become a politician, Arnold still commands millions. Of impersonations.

Think about it. Is there anyone else who is impersonated more? Just about everybody, I'm sure, has a relative who'll fall into a faux-Austrian accent, quoting any one of the many one-liners from Arnie's many action movies. "To the chopper!" yells your uncle each year while passing you the green bean casserole. Here's one guy, though, who your thinks-he's-hilarious Uncle Larry could learn from.


Six years after Conan the Barnbarian introduced Schwarzenegger to American moviegoers, another action movie featuring another muscular leading man with an accent made an impact at the box office. In 1988, Bloodsport was released in American theaters, showcasing the martial arts skills of its Belgian star, Jean-Claude Van Damme—or as I like to call him, Jean-Claude Van Damn, that dude's got a buttocks like a double-ham dinner!

He was a sort of mini-Arnold, who instead of just taking down the villains, also sexed up the vixens. By the mid 90s, it appeared that JCVD might step into Arnold's top spot. That is, before Van Damme decided to do coke and co-star with Dennis Rodman—the latter choice somewhat understandable if he chose the former first.

Van Damme never reached the upper eschelon of the action genre like Arnold did—unlike the upper atmosphere that he reached with his spin kicks. After a deep breath, I can admit that he never conquered Tinseltown like the Terminator. Although, in the late 90s and early 2000s, you could have called him the Arnold Schwarzenegger of direct-to-DVD.

But that doesn't explain why there's literally hundreds of homemade videos on the Internet of Schwarzenegger impressions, and basically none for the Muscles from Brussels. A Google search of "arnold schwarzenegger impression" brings back 178,000 results, while one for JCVD retrieves 35,500. Five times as many?! Do people need to be reminded that Van Damme has starred as a twin in three times as many movies not also co-starring Danny DeVito?

So I uploaded my own Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonation. Not just a voice impression, I embody all aspects of Frank Dux, including his bikini-briefed ass. Make that thirty-five thousand, five hundred and one.


Why have so many mimicked the bodybuilder from Austria, but not the one from Belgian? My guess is it's because Jean-Claude's accent is French. We may have fallen in love with its fries, but Americans have never cared much for the sound of its language. (Right now, you may be thinking in rebuttal, But we've included so many French words into everyday English. Touche.)

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10 Totally True Facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme

Searching for facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Then you've come to the right place. But only if you're interested in the type of facts about JCVD that are virtually unknown—and, oh yeah, that are absolutely, swear-on-my-grandmother's-grave T-R-U-E.

Last April, I released a video blog—or "vlog" as the kids say—of exactly those types of Van Damme facts. It was an attempt to counteract all the so-called "facts" about Chuck Norris that have spread across the Internets like a digital herpes, giving undue popularity to a man whose legacy will be an ugly beard and a Total-ly lame Gym.



Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. Those myths about the Beard That Shall Not Be Named are still being spread; although, like news about Sarah Palin, at a much slower rate now. Which makes it an ideal opportunity to continue to educate a public that largely only knows two things about Jean-Claude Van Damme: he can do the splits, and he starred in—What's the name of that movie, the one where he breaks the bricks and fights blind? Now I remember!—Bloodsport.

For the greater good of John Q. Public, here are ten totally unknown, but totally true facts about the Muscles from Brussels. Some would call them unnecessary. Or inadmissible in a court of law. If they were published as a paperback with a photo of my face as the back cover, I would call them JCVD Facts, Second Edition.

Fact #1 To settle a feud between them about who had better moves, Steve Harvey set up a dance-off between B2K and JCVD. Lil' Kim was the judge and Marques Houston was the referee. After JCVD won, he told B2K, "You got served." This both inspired their movie, and caused them to break up.

Fact #2 JCVD's chest is so smooth baby bottoms are jealous. Baby mammas are horny.

Fact #3 While watching the nude scene of JCVD in Universal Soldier, 837 men have realized that they're bisexual—or at least bi-curious. While watching that same scene, about a million women have realized that their nipples are hard.

Fact #4 Things JCVD has used his butt to crack: walnuts, knuckles, the windshield on a Ferrari, knock-knock jokes, a murder case, the FBI's top ten most wanted list, and the Da Vinci Code. What about ladies' hearts? His ass breaks them.

Fact #5 JCVD is so sexy his sweat cures impotence. That's why the makers of Viagra put a million dollar bounty on his head. When asked if he was considering it, Dog the Bounty Hunter said, "Suicide is a sin, brother."

Fact #6 Right Said Fred's hit single "I'm Too Sexy" was originally produced for a Hanes commercial featuring JCVD dancing to the song and taking off his shirt at the end. Test marketing showed that seven out of ten women felt that JCVD was too sexy for his shirt. The other three were disappointed he wasn't too sexy for his pants.

Fact #7 JCVD is so flexible he can tie his shoes with his butt cheeks. He uses the bunny ears method.

Fact #8 Although Van Damme has done plenty of rear nudity—for which we're all thankful—he's never done frontal. This is because the camera adds ten pounds, which would make his Belgian muscle appear to be twenty. Which would make ladies eyes explode.

Fact #9 JCVD's abs can stop a bullet. His smile can stop traffic.

Fact #10 There's a life-size copper statue of JCVD in the town square of his home village in Belgium. Men come from all over the country to rub its butt cheeks, hoping to increase their libido. Their wives come from looking at it too long.

Bonus Fact: A test at the University of Michigan found that, on average, obese men lost 1.8 lbs from simply watching the training montage in Kickboxer. Mainly because most participants vomited their lunch while watching Van Damme's legs being forced into a split.

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Thank God It's Van Damme Dancing Friday! Johnny B. (No) Goode at drunken dancing.

T.G.I.V.D.D.F. What's the best thing about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Obviously, number one is his butt cheeks. And two is his splits. But tied for third, with his spin kicks, is his dancing. That's why on Friday, the best day of the week, the DOJO celebrates the tied for third best thing about JCVD. Thank God It's Van Damme Dancing Friday!

How popular are Jean-Claude Van Damme's dance moves? So popular, that when you enter the term "dance floor" at YouTube, the 8th result is a clip from JCVD's Kickboxer, in which he drunkenly dances in a bar between two Thai women and presents the khaki-covered, booty-based dissertation that earned him two dance doctorates (one for each butt cheek). That clip has over 1.8 million views, its popularity in large part due not only to the academic merit of my Sensei's thrustful gyrations, but also to the appeal of khakis worn at the "true" waist to nearly every age group and ethnicity of ladyfolk—not just young Thai females with jealous, glass-jawed boyfriends.


But the real measure of the popularity of Van Damme's dancing isn't the number of views; it's the number of people who have mimicked his moves in real-life, recorded that mimicry, and then uploaded it to YouTube, perhaps, like JCVD's Kickboxer clip, to get millionshundreds of views. One such example is the video embedded below, tersely titled "Jon doing Jean Claude Van Damme Dance."

Proof that bad dancing does not, in fact, look better sideways.

At the end, Jon, after barely widening his legs past shoulder width, declares, "I can't do the splits." As honest as it is redundant. No, Jon, you can't do the splits. And neither can you do the Jean-Claude Van Damme dance. If not for the title, I would have guessed you were multitasking with your body parts: using your hands to swat flies, while simultaneously using your feet to stomp ants. A great technique to rid your immediate surroundings of any insect pests, but certainly not one to attract Thai women.

Van Damme Dancing Grade: D

Does Jon's performance deserve an F? Probably. But I'd never fail a man who's trying so hard. So hard to make himself look like a failure.

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MacGruber lines and dialogue from SNL video short "MacGruber and Son" with Will Forte, Kristen Wiig and Shia LaBeouf.

MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials.
MacGruber!
Gettin' in and out of ultra sticky situations.
MacGruber!
The guy's a frickin' genius!
MacGruuuuberrrr!

Who's this MacGruber guy? You might be asking. This so-called frickin' genius who, much like a similarly last named 80s TV icon, can escape from the stickiest of circumstances using only his every-ready wits and some everyday objects, ever-present in his pockets.

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"MacGruber, this silo door's welded shut."

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He's the titular character, portrayed by Will Forte, of the recurring SNL skit MacGruber, first airing in January of 2007. It parodies MacGyver, the popular ABC show which aired on Monday nights for seven seasons, from '85 to '92—a show credited with increasing younger viewers' interest in studying the applied sciences and wearing brown leather bomber jackets, sometimes simultaneously if doing homework outside on a fall day.

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"That's not the only problem, MacGruber. By the looks of that pipe bomb, this place is gonna blow in twenty seconds."

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Even with a make-up team at his disposal, Forte can't be made-up to mimic Richard Dean Anderson's dashing good looks. But as you'll see in the video below, his wig—strictly business on top, but all party in the back—bears a strong resemblance to that of MacGyver's own awesomely 80s Tennessee Waterfall. The mullet may not have been useful for getting MacGyver out a tight spot on set (unlike a piece of chewing gum or roll of duct tape). But I'm guessing it helped Richard Dean Anderson, while at the bar, get into a tight spot—the type of sticky situation that only requires a rubber glove.

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"One person's problem is another person's no-problem-at-all."

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Earlier this year, promoting the then upcoming release of Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Shia Labeouf hosted SNL, the 11th episode of the 33rd season. Much like his Crystal Skull character's relation to Indy, in the episode's MacGruber skit, the fifth and last to date, Shia portrays MacGruber's once estranged son. Just like dear-old Dad, his head is totally mudflapped. But is his orientation totally hetero? MacGruuuberrr!

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"Anal lubricant?!"
"I've been doing some experimenting."
"So, who's the lucky girl?"
"Scott."

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