My first time drinking beer: Getting drunk, so cool! Slipping in a vomit pool, not so much.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." A quote widely attributed to Benjamin Franklin. Is it true, though, that he said it? Scholarly types say no. But they're missing the point—the quote is true, regardless its source.

I first discovered the proof of God's love from my Uncle Larry—a man with as many ex-wives as there are living ex-presidents—while at a wedding reception, the DJ spinning Chubby Checker's "The Twist" for a parquet floor packed with distantly related people sweatily swiveling in close relation. He was forty-three. I was thirteen.

Apparently, the DJ played the Village People's less heard of—but as easily spelled with human arms—song, Y-"Oh"-CA.

The uncle who showed me my first pair of Penthouse boobs in the den of his split-level five years prior pushed a red cup into my chest, spilling golden liquid on my blue silk button-up. "This is what I call Happy Juice, Jon." Seventeen minutes later, I knew why. Forty-seven minutes later, after three more Juice servings, everyone on the parquet knew I chose the fish, instead of the chicken for dinner.

Since then, I've learned to drink more responsibly. That is, learning to gain the benefits of Larry's Juice, without gaining Larry's gut. And that means switching from fully-leaded to light, responsibly sacrificing a slight amount of alcohol by volume in order to reduce boatloads of calories—or should I say buttloads?

There are refrigerated-section-at-the-grocery storeloads of light beers on the market. Most are obvious (e.g., Miller Lite); although, some are not so obvious (e.g, Bud Select). But what isn't obvious for almost every light beer is how many calories it contains—well, except for MGD 64 (which wasn't est'd in 1964, by the way).

What are the lowest calorie light beers? Thought you might ask that. So I went ahead and put together a fully-leaded list of beers ("The four lowest calorie light beers") that won't fill you up—or fatten you up, more importantly. But most importantly, will prove to you God's love.