Guinness panties with beer logo on butt: Guinn-ass?

I recently blogged about the four lowest calorie light beers available at your nearby grocery store, most likely refrigerated behind those glass doors that I can never figure out whether to pull, push or slide. Featured on the list are MGD 64, Michelob Ultra, Amstel Light and Beck's Premier Light.

Definitely a light beer drinker. And a virgin.

The winner? My judgment was that all four equally excelled in two categories: keeping you sober and keeping you running to the little boys room. In the end, my advice to calorie-counting beer drinkers (not an oxymoron, by the way) was to avoid beers labeled light altogether, and instead go with the darker, stouter option of Guinness—a beer with only 125 calories per 12 ounces, and more flavor per 12 ounces than in 64 ounces of MGD 64 (and probably—wait, let me do the math on my Casio C-80 calculator watch; yes!—more alcohol). And it's purported to be a quote-end-quote meal in a glass! Think about it. Have 64 calories of Miller Genuine-ly beer-flavored seltzer water with your spinach artichoke Lean Pocket. Or a deeply amber colored and nutty, malty, almost coffee-like flavored Guinness Draught, minus the Popeye-powered diarrhea. Easy choice.

What's not an easy choice? Well, for the ladies, what to wear to your dinner-and-a-movie first date (maybe to see Bill Hader's mustache in Adventureland?) with the Sandwich Artist who handed you his number along with your Five Dollar Footlong. And I'm not talking about skinny jeans or tulip skirt. I mean what's underneath. High-cut briefs? A thong? A g-string ?

As I always do when faced with a conundrum, lady friends, I think we should consult the lyrics of the man who put the R in R&B. It's just like shaking the Magic 8-Ball: Kells, tell me the answer!

From the 2007 album Double Up: [Usher] Man I thought her body was calling when she said "I want you." Look I even got some pictures on my phone. [R. Kelly] Look at there. There she is with some boy shorts on.

"Twenty-one, Ush? She told me she was sixteen!"

So much more helpful than any of those blue-tinted twenty standard answers from the 8-Ball—"Signs point to yes."

Boy shorts—neither shorts, nor worn by boys, but a favorite of men everywhere—are definitely the best way to show off the body slimmed down from a stout-tasting diet, while, post-Adventureland, adventuring in the land of pleasure.

What kind of boy shorts? Why not give the Sandwich Artist the answer to the question, How'd she get a fine-ass body like that without Jared's Diet? Guinness panties, my sandwich-lly artistic friend.

A meal in a glass, yes. But how 'bout a meal on that ass!

It takes the luck o' the Irish to get a young lassie to remove these panties—or three Irish Car Bombs and a couple of Nearly Sincere Compliments.

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