SNL's Bill Hader stars as Bobby in the movie Adventureland, wearing a mustache that will take you to Pleasuretown.

My uncle Larry—thrice gold-chained and quadruple divorced, like my sensei, Jean-Claude Van Damme—has always taken time at our family's annual Fourth of July picnic at Millard Fillmore Park to impart to me at least one kernel of observational truth, usually in the form of a metaphor that heats, then eventually pops in my brain while I fire bottle rockets at Larry's son, Larry Jr. (who we're pretty sure is from Wife Number Two, a quick-tempered redhead he called Violent).

Uncle Larry's aphorism from last year? "Jon, if a man's face were a city, his mustache would be the amusement park. And if the whole face were an amusement park? Then the mustache would be the Gravitron."

Scratching your head? The mustache, I believe what my be-chained, hairy chested kin was saying, is a powerful force capable of throwing a woman against a wall in laughter. Or making her throw up funnel cake in a garbage can.

I was recently reminded of last year's Larryism during a commercial break of Spike TV's matinee presentation of Lionheart—which has the distinction of being the only action movie ever to show two men fighting in the deep end of a drained swimming pool, in leotards. The commercial in particular was a movie trailer for the forthcoming follow-up from the director of Superbad, Greg Mottola. It was shot in Pittsburgh, Pee-Eh; however, it is set in a Land full of Adventure—and at least one amusement-worthy mustache.

Mustache Mondays at the Van Damme DOJO Presents: A mustache made by gulping Hader-ade

An SNL cast member in his fourth season—notably doing impressions of Vincent Price and Al Pacino—Bill Hader has gradually built a film career through smaller supporting roles, including portraying Officer Slater in the aforementioned (yes, I did learn something in my semester at community college) Superbad alongside Seth Rogen's Officer Michaels.

In that movie, it's Rogen who wreaths his upper lip with hair—a "horseshoe," to be exact. But as you'll see in the following trailer, via Hulu, Hader has now taken his turn on-screen with an overgrown lip wreath, most likely via testosterone injections. His 'stache's style? Some, familiar with the American Mustache Institute's style guide, would deem it a Walrus. My classification would be Adventurous—a description not for the mustache, but for the girl willing to give it a ride.


And by Adventurous, I mean Kristen Wiig—portraying Paulette according to the Wikipedia entry—who appears to be Bobby's betrothed, sole receiver of his face's Walrus-slash-Gravitron. Wiig also appears to uglify herself for the character, as she routinely does for SNL (think Target Lady). <_sarcasm_>So much funnier that way!<_/sarcasm_>

Quite the opposite is the surprising presence of Ryan Reynolds, looking the same species of ancient lizard he always does—Hunkosauras. Which leads me to ask, WTF is USDA grade Prime beef-cake doing stationed at a carnie game, handing out beer cans to grade F underagers? Perhaps his uncle told him at a family picnic that if jobs were celebrities, amusement park employee would be the Jean-Claude Van Damme of careers.

Don't ever eat the corn dogs! Or anything else before riding the Gravitron!

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