Top 5 photos of Jean-Claude Van Damme stretching. The best? It's a split decision.

When not making movies, Jean-Claude Van Damme has found time over the years since first starring as Frank Dux in Bloodsport in 1988 to make plenty of other things: three babies with two wives, white powder go up his nose, and his legs split apart like Paul Bunyan did with his axe to numerous tree trunks in the Great Lakes region during the 19th century.

How, you may be wondering, did Jean-Claude Van Damme manage to make his legs separate so easily, almost as if Babe the Blue Ox were pulling them on a rope from each ankle? A stretching routine that, expectedly, involves gym shoes, work out pants and padded mats; but, unexpectedly, also includes leather shoes, dress pants, and a seaside wharf.

Below are the five best pictures I found of Jean-Claude Van Damme stretching that aren't taken from one of his movies—because we've all seen him being literally pulled apart at the limbs by his sensei in Bloodsport, like, a million times on late-night cable already, or while watching your own VHS copy, your third because the tape on the first two broke down from too much rewinding. Right?

#5 Have Saucony shoes ever been so far apart while on two feet attached to the same human being? I don't think so. And neither have white cotton crew socks. I would call his cotton-based leg wear "sweat pants," if only he appeared to be breaking one while wearing them. Guess I should say "stretch pants," even though my palms are getting sweaty looking at the reflection in the mirror behind—ahem—him.


#4 It appears to be low, given the dock's exposed timbers. Judging from JCVD's dress pants, however, you'd think it was high tide in this unknown bay. I'd call Van Damme's butt cheeks the catch of the day—but we all know hams like those come from the local farm.

#3 A magazine pictorial proving that those bulging Belgian muscles look good on the beach and in the board room. And speaking of bulging, it seems as if one muscle was set aside (*cough*) for this flexibility photo op.

I couldn't bring myself to choose between the next two pictures, so I decided to make both number one—just like the two of JCVD's split legs make up the number one thing about him, next to his accent, spin kicks, dance moves and butt cheeks.

#1b Allow me to now take you on a ride on the Way-Back Machine. Our destination? A young JCVD, before the stardom, before the five marriages and, apparently, before the contacts. Hello, four eyes! I wish I had four eyes to focus on those nubile muscles, first learning to become pliable.


#1a And for the co-holder of the top spot displaying Van Damme's flexibility, it's a picture of Jean-Claude stretching...out an above-average blond who's hamstrings have above-average elasticity, and who's cleavage has above-average shadows. As my sensei demonstrates here, stretching—like Kool-Aid and your faith in Jesus—is meant to be shared. I bet Van Damme and and his blond-haired stretching student shared more than just a padded mat. Did somebody say fluids? No?

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