| Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends. |
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So when it comes to the butt on Jennifer Lopez, without hesitation, you could say that my anaconda does want some. But get your mind out of the gutter. The "some" that I want is the how—as in, how did J-Lo get a butt like that? And I know it wasn't from the block, or the rocks that she got. I'm still, I'm still...
Like I said, wondering how Jenny From The Block got two Hams From The Farm slipped into her stretch pants. So I Googled "jennifer lopez butt workout," hoping to find the exercises that created an asset allegedly worthy of an insurance policy. Apparently, Lopez didn't rely on exercises. More like exercise.
After first claiming "Jennifer Lopez's most notable achievement is making a curvy body a good thing in Hollywood," an article on fitnessmagazine.com claims "Here, the exercises from Jennifer Lopez's trainer to get her butt and toned body." It goes on to cite Gunnar Peterson, relaying the one exercise he gave the magazine for working out the butt and obliques.
The exercise: Twisting lungePardon my French, but what the eff?! The only thing I got from that gibberish about exercising my butt is that I should play Twister and hope for the best. Which I did during college at an all-night, co-ed pajama party, and "the best" was an embarrassing moment brought to you by the unbuttoned fly of my pajama pants.
A. Stand with feet parallel, arms at sides. Take a large step backward with left foot.
B. Turn so your upper body faces all the way to the left, and pivot both feet so your left foot faces forward and your right foot faces out (heel of left foot is perpendicular to right). Lower hands toward floor over left leg, being careful to keep left knee in line with left ankle. Pivot back to center and repeat on opposite leg. Do 12 to 15 reps; switch sides.
Why tell us with words, instead of showing us with a video? Someone should introduce fitnessmagazine.com to Web 2.0 and broadband access. As my dad told me during our birds-and-the-bees talk, some things you just have to do yourself. Sometimes while sitting in a bean-bag chair in your basement, watching Kylie Minogue kick butt in Street Fighter.
Let's get one thing straight: the movie star who first introduced American audiences to ample ass cheeks wasn't Jenny From The Block; it was the Muscles From Brussels, Jean-Claude Van Damme, who showcased his bikini brief-ed blessings to moviegoers in a morning-after-sex scene in 1988's Bloodsport. And here's a video I made featuring three butt building exercises that will give you a prayer in recreating the miracle that is Jean-Claude Van Damme's butt—the one thing wanted by anacondas everywhere.
 | Sign up! And receive an e-mail every other Friday about the latest MOJO from the Van Damme DOJO. I can't promise you'll get in better shape. But I guarantee your cheeks will hurt. |
6 comments:
ha...funny post.
On a serious note, exercise is very important and can really contribute to overall health...and if done right can surely get you a jenny from the block booty.
Timothy
Boston Gym
Jennifer Lopez is Puerto Rican. Most Boricuas or Puerto Ricans are mixed with the blood of Africans. Black women or women of African descent typically have a thicker build....thus larger butts. J-Lo was just born that way. She excersises to keep her self toned, but again she was born that way.
i believe her butt is fake she just won't admit it
and there's noting wrong with it
im jizzing now and i love it nice ass i masturebait in bally fitness alot to women and got caught by a milf and she was turned on and got my first blowjob at 15 yrs old
Jennifer Lopez è una bona monosemica
di V.S.Gaudio
La parola BONA ha un paradigma aperto, difatti la classificazione semantica è incredibilmente estesa ed estensibile.
Il Paradigma semantico Aggettivale può contenere molte strisce: da una bona normale a una bona super, passando per molti gradi di densità intermedia.
Piuttosto nell’Indicatore Globale COMPLESSITA’, il paradigma, pur essendo aperto,può contenere più aggettivi monosemici(cioè lessemi) che aggettivi polisemico(cioè allolessemi): nella COMPLESSITA’ il monosemico prevale sul polisemico( che attiene di più
alla funzione dell’Indicatore POLISEMIA), perciò anche l’allolessema può avere un sostantivo reggente univoco, poco virtuale: ad esempio, nella COMPLESSITA’ MONOSEMICA di Jennifer Lopez che, fisiognomicamente, è segnalata dalla sporgenza facciale e dalla retrazione frontale( che chiude, in qualche modo, le aperture vestibolari ) e che, caratterologicamente, correla una “primarietà attiva” molto esplicita, il paradigma aggettivale di BONA può contenere un lessema primario connesso all’energia disponibile, all’istinto più esigente, al bisogno più sfacciato.
Per questa ragione, l’appoggio formale di una opposizione semantica consiste in un suffisso o in un prefisso, tipo BONAZZA oppure SUPERBONA.
Come dire che, quando si accelera il ritmo, essendoci maggiore mobilità e, perciò, una diminuzione della soglia di eccitabilità, l’istinto dinamizzato così osteso mostra, come Significante del Desiderio, una fallicità immediata e, come Significante Somatico, fa intendere che l’oggetto sia modellato con la stessa “sporgenza dinamica” e la stessa morfologia convessa e rilevante, estesa e protesa.
Il carattere “chiuso” del paradigma di BONA di Jennifer Lopez, vista la Complessità sobillata di continuo dal rapporto tra la cornice generale e la cornice vestibolare del suo viso, è basato sulla opposizione tra la “primarietà attiva” della bocca e del naso e della parte
inferiore del viso e l’ “eccitabilità” del piano superiore(gli occhi e la fronte): che corrisponde a una correlazione caratterologica E.A.P., cioè COLLERICO, quello che, quando c’è il paradigma BONA, va sempre letto come SUPERLATIVO IMMEDIATO,EVIDENTE,LAMPANTE,INDISCUTIBILE.
Come Aria di Baudelaire è quella più impudente, anche se può essere volitiva e sazia, e di dominio: nella Tavola del Significante Somatico, questa componente primaria ostenta un culo poderoso, gambe dalle cosce piene e abbondanti, un’allure ampia e forte, convinta, da movimento plutonico.
(da: V.S.Gaudio,La bona monosemica e la bona polisemica, © 2002)
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