Last April, I released a video blog—or "vlog" as the kids say—of exactly those types of Van Damme facts. It was an attempt to counteract all the so-called "facts" about Chuck Norris that have spread across the Internets like a digital herpes, giving undue popularity to a man whose legacy will be an ugly beard and a Total-ly lame Gym.
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Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. Those myths about the Beard That Shall Not Be Named are still being spread; although, like news about Sarah Palin, at a much slower rate now. Which makes it an ideal opportunity to continue to educate a public that largely only knows two things about Jean-Claude Van Damme: he can do the splits, and he starred in—What's the name of that movie, the one where he breaks the bricks and fights blind? Now I remember!—Bloodsport.
For the greater good of John Q. Public, here are ten totally unknown, but totally true facts about the Muscles from Brussels. Some would call them unnecessary. Or inadmissible in a court of law. If they were published as a paperback with a photo of my face as the back cover, I would call them JCVD Facts, Second Edition.
Fact #1 To settle a feud between them about who had better moves, Steve Harvey set up a dance-off between B2K and JCVD. Lil' Kim was the judge and Marques Houston was the referee. After JCVD won, he told B2K, "You got served." This both inspired their movie, and caused them to break up.
Fact #2 JCVD's chest is so smooth baby bottoms are jealous. Baby mammas are horny.
Fact #3 While watching the nude scene of JCVD in Universal Soldier, 837 men have realized that they're bisexual—or at least bi-curious. While watching that same scene, about a million women have realized that their nipples are hard.
Fact #4 Things JCVD has used his butt to crack: walnuts, knuckles, the windshield on a Ferrari, knock-knock jokes, a murder case, the FBI's top ten most wanted list, and the Da Vinci Code. What about ladies' hearts? His ass breaks them.
Fact #5 JCVD is so sexy his sweat cures impotence. That's why the makers of Viagra put a million dollar bounty on his head. When asked if he was considering it, Dog the Bounty Hunter said, "Suicide is a sin, brother."
Fact #6 Right Said Fred's hit single "I'm Too Sexy" was originally produced for a Hanes commercial featuring JCVD dancing to the song and taking off his shirt at the end. Test marketing showed that seven out of ten women felt that JCVD was too sexy for his shirt. The other three were disappointed he wasn't too sexy for his pants.
Fact #7 JCVD is so flexible he can tie his shoes with his butt cheeks. He uses the bunny ears method.
Fact #8 Although Van Damme has done plenty of rear nudity—for which we're all thankful—he's never done frontal. This is because the camera adds ten pounds, which would make his Belgian muscle appear to be twenty. Which would make ladies eyes explode.
Fact #9 JCVD's abs can stop a bullet. His smile can stop traffic.
Fact #10 There's a life-size copper statue of JCVD in the town square of his home village in Belgium. Men come from all over the country to rub its butt cheeks, hoping to increase their libido. Their wives come from looking at it too long.
Bonus Fact: A test at the University of Michigan found that, on average, obese men lost 1.8 lbs from simply watching the training montage in Kickboxer. Mainly because most participants vomited their lunch while watching Van Damme's legs being forced into a split.
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