Thank God It's Van Damme Dancing Friday! Johnny B. (No) Goode at drunken dancing.

T.G.I.V.D.D.F. What's the best thing about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Obviously, number one is his butt cheeks. And two is his splits. But tied for third, with his spin kicks, is his dancing. That's why on Friday, the best day of the week, the DOJO celebrates the tied for third best thing about JCVD. Thank God It's Van Damme Dancing Friday!

How popular are Jean-Claude Van Damme's dance moves? So popular, that when you enter the term "dance floor" at YouTube, the 8th result is a clip from JCVD's Kickboxer, in which he drunkenly dances in a bar between two Thai women and presents the khaki-covered, booty-based dissertation that earned him two dance doctorates (one for each butt cheek). That clip has over 1.8 million views, its popularity in large part due not only to the academic merit of my Sensei's thrustful gyrations, but also to the appeal of khakis worn at the "true" waist to nearly every age group and ethnicity of ladyfolk—not just young Thai females with jealous, glass-jawed boyfriends.


But the real measure of the popularity of Van Damme's dancing isn't the number of views; it's the number of people who have mimicked his moves in real-life, recorded that mimicry, and then uploaded it to YouTube, perhaps, like JCVD's Kickboxer clip, to get millionshundreds of views. One such example is the video embedded below, tersely titled "Jon doing Jean Claude Van Damme Dance."

Proof that bad dancing does not, in fact, look better sideways.

At the end, Jon, after barely widening his legs past shoulder width, declares, "I can't do the splits." As honest as it is redundant. No, Jon, you can't do the splits. And neither can you do the Jean-Claude Van Damme dance. If not for the title, I would have guessed you were multitasking with your body parts: using your hands to swat flies, while simultaneously using your feet to stomp ants. A great technique to rid your immediate surroundings of any insect pests, but certainly not one to attract Thai women.

Van Damme Dancing Grade: D

Does Jon's performance deserve an F? Probably. But I'd never fail a man who's trying so hard. So hard to make himself look like a failure.

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