Robin Hood was the first. Geronimo was the second. Russell Crowe was the third. And LeBron James is the fourth. But who could be all four? Put those descriptors into a Google search and the results bring back only one personage, pronounced as "Ahh-nold." That's because they're the tag line for the 1982 movie Conan the Barbarian, which featured a pre-Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger as the sword-swinging, Cimmerian-born star. After its successful run in theaters, you could add a fifth descriptor: Hollywood star.
Conan was the character that launched Arnie's career, helping to transform him into an actor who, at the height of his popularity in the 90s, commanded millions of dollars per role—millions of dollars that were, in turn, invested into the only heavenly body to ever devilishly destroy human wealth, Planet Hollywood. Even to this day, despite leaving Hollywood (both the Earthly city and the Planet) to become a politician, Arnold still commands millions. Of impersonations.
Think about it. Is there anyone else who is impersonated more? Just about everybody, I'm sure, has a relative who'll fall into a faux-Austrian accent, quoting any one of the many one-liners from Arnie's many action movies. "To the chopper!" yells your uncle each year while passing you the green bean casserole. Here's one guy, though, who your thinks-he's-hilarious Uncle Larry could learn from.
Six years after Conan the Barnbarian introduced Schwarzenegger to American moviegoers, another action movie featuring another muscular leading man with an accent made an impact at the box office. In 1988, Bloodsport was released in American theaters, showcasing the martial arts skills of its Belgian star, Jean-Claude Van Damme—or as I like to call him, Jean-Claude Van Damn, that dude's got a buttocks like a double-ham dinner!
He was a sort of mini-Arnold, who instead of just taking down the villains, also sexed up the vixens. By the mid 90s, it appeared that JCVD might step into Arnold's top spot. That is, before Van Damme decided to do coke and co-star with Dennis Rodman—the latter choice somewhat understandable if he chose the former first.
Van Damme never reached the upper eschelon of the action genre like Arnold did—unlike the upper atmosphere that he reached with his spin kicks. After a deep breath, I can admit that he never conquered Tinseltown like the Terminator. Although, in the late 90s and early 2000s, you could have called him the Arnold Schwarzenegger of direct-to-DVD.
But that doesn't explain why there's literally hundreds of homemade videos on the Internet of Schwarzenegger impressions, and basically none for the Muscles from Brussels. A Google search of "arnold schwarzenegger impression" brings back 178,000 results, while one for JCVD retrieves 35,500. Five times as many?! Do people need to be reminded that Van Damme has starred as a twin in three times as many movies not also co-starring Danny DeVito?
So I uploaded my own Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonation. Not just a voice impression, I embody all aspects of Frank Dux, including his bikini-briefed ass. Make that thirty-five thousand, five hundred and one.
Why have so many mimicked the bodybuilder from Austria, but not the one from Belgian? My guess is it's because Jean-Claude's accent is French. We may have fallen in love with its fries, but Americans have never cared much for the sound of its language. (Right now, you may be thinking in rebuttal, But we've included so many French words into everyday English. Touche.)
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