Hipster girls steal mustache style; Tom Selleck to investigate.

Did you think that wearing a mustache—like pissing in a urinal and wearing a cup—was a privilege reserved for men only? Silly rabbit. As true as Trix are for kids, mustaches are for boys and girls. And by girls, I'm not simply referring to hair-netted, nurse shoe-sporting grandmothers who think Waxing is a city in China. No, my friends. I'm talking about young and trendy hipster types—you know, the girls who get tattooed, pierced and depressed with equal regularity and fervor. A group whose culture is so counter that it made a fashionable trend out of the keffiyeh—a scarf "that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad," according to conservative ideologue Michelle Malkin.

Mustache Mondays at the Van Damme DOJO Presents: Every which way but grown: Trendy girls glue on hirsute hipness.

Just like they did with the headdress of jihadists, these trendy ladies have commandeered the mustache, the signature sign of manliness of any 80s male icon worthy of his ability to grow one. Attention, Tom Selleck, boobied scenesters have stolen the relic that made your face Holy.

How am I so sure it's a trend, and not just a shared delusion of a handful of gender confused girls who drank from the same bowl of spiked Kool-Aid? Well, there's a blog devoted to it, the no-nonsense name of which is Hipster Girls in Mustaches. "Description? Why? This is one of those Snakes on a Plane type things where you know exactly what you're getting." Exactly.

Unlike their grandmothers, though, these boundary pushing females aren't actually growing their mustaches. "OMG!!! Umm, seriously?! That's, like, soooooo super gross!" Lady hipsters have come up with some creative methods of becoming mustached, besides patiently growing old or prematurely abandoning personal hygiene. Just because you won't grow it, doesn't mean you won't glue it, draw it or hang it from your neck—all of which allow you to look temporarily tongue-in-cheek cute while posing for a picture, but still sexy in a non-ironic way when not being recorded. Isn't that the point for Jessica in the skinny jeans and terrorist scarf?

Glue it on like Katy Perry did before she kissed a girl and she liked it. The other girl wrote a song about it too, with the lyrics "I got kissed by a girl and it tickled. And it tasted like paste." Not as catchy.

Or draw it on like this hipster girl did while holding an ice cream cone. As she soon learned, a drawn mustache doesn't catch leftovers like a real one.

Or wear it around your neck as jewelry, providing yourself a ready disguise as needed. What better way to hide from the girl you kissed last weekend at the bar while your boyfriend took pictures? And he liked it!

So, boys, would you kiss a girl with a mustache? More importantly: Girls, would you kiss a girl with a mustache? And even more importantly: Would you like it?

One commenter already weighed in:

That has got to be one of the ugliest and dumbest thing to come along in a while. A moderately dressed, touch of makeup, a great smile is all you need for a beautiful woman. End of story.
by:// Ted - Oct 11th 2008

Sure, Ted. All you need for a beautiful woman. But not for a beautiful woman who's trying to be as tragically hip as Katy Perry or any other mustached songstress who enjoys the taste of Cherry Chapstick. End of story.

Maybe you're like Ted, and you just don't get this mustache micro-trend. Probably the same head-shaking sentiment of Michelle Malkin or any other pundit who's commentary has included a sentence ending in "or the terrorists have won." To that segment, I point out that at least the Skinny Jean Jessicas have moved on from jihadist-chic to a style once worn weekly on TV by this country's sexiest Vietnam vet, Thomas Magnum. How could a mustache be anti-American?

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