An article written by Charles Q. Choi for LiveScience.com
Italicized commentary written by Jon Stan LamBam
For the first time, scientists have proven that "beer goggles" are real - other people really do look more attractive to us if we have been drinking.
Finally! Proof that beer goggles are real. For the first time. Maybe for folks who have pursued the profession of "scientist," this is news. But I think for the rest of the non-scientist segment of society, who has tasted alcohol outside of a lab setting (which I'm guessing is roughly 99.99% of the population, give or take .01 of a percentage point) this was a phenomenon experienced the first time getting drunk around the opposite sex. However, a phenomenon not observed, for some, until the morning after—the figurative light shed on the subject actually being literal light, striped from Venetian blinds, on a literal subject, snoring shirtless, who bears no resemblance to the Britney Spears circa 1998 look-a-like you took to the top bunk in your dorm room, but bears a striking resemblance to Tonya Harding circa 2008.
| After ten rounds at the bar: | After ten rounds in bed, and ten hours of sleep: |
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Surprisingly, the beer goggles effect was not limited to just the opposite sex among the ostensibly straight volunteers recruited for the study - they also rated people from their own sex as more attractive.
Although, it must be pointed out that every dude who rated another dude over a 7 out of 10 immediately followed their rating with "In a totally un-gay way, though. Seriously, bro. I LOVE gettin' me some ass. I mean, girl ass. Girls' asses. Are you recording this? The dude said this was gonna be anonymous."
Scientists in England gave 84 heterosexual college students chilled lime-flavored drinks that were either non-alcoholic or given a dose of vodka equivalent in alcohol to a large glass of wine or a pint-and-a-half of beer.
I wonder if the scientists consulted any of the college males about how to "dose" a lime-flavored drink.
After 15 minutes, the volunteers were shown photos of 40 other college students from both sexes. Both men and women who drank booze found these faces more attractive, "a roughly 10 percent increase in ratings of attractiveness," said researcher Marcus Munafo, an experimental psychologist at the University of Bristol in England.
Hold on, now. The volunteers were given the equivalent of a "pint-and-a-half"? Those crazy Brits and their wacky measurement systems. So 24 ounces. Two beers, and there was a 10 percent increase? Makes sense, though, if you do the necessary extrapolation for normal binge drinking. Given a linear escalation, that'd be 40 percent more attractive after 8 beers. That means a barely 6 looks like a solid 8. After an all day Saturday drinking marathon, that kicked off with college football at 11 AM and concluded with a Fourthmeal from Taco Bell at 2 AM? That means the woman who took down Nancy Kerrigan, looking like the girl who first got down with Justin Timberlake, is about to take down your self-respect and reputation—after she takes down the unfinished chili cheese burrito, defenseless on the wrapper in front of you. "Are you gonna finish that?" Why don't you go ahead and strap it to the back of your arms, Tonya.
| When a fan recommended a Five Dollar Footlong, Tonya replied "Do I look cheap? I've never done a footlong for under ten, sweetheart." |
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The researchers also asked volunteers to rate their mood, "and there were no differences on those measures in the alcohol group compared to the no-alcohol group," Munafo added. "This suggests that the effect we observed wasn't due to a general change in mood."
It did not escape Munafo that the results are rather obvious.
It did not escape anyone partnered with Munafo in the lab as an undergraduate in Intro to Chem that his only hope for experiencing "the results" of co-ed partying would be vicariously through a study.
"Everyone knows about beer goggles," Munafo said. "But some of our results suggest that there's more going on than we might have thought."
The discovery that the effect is not specific to the opposite sex was surprising. One possibility is that alcohol generally makes us see things as more attractive, but when this occurs in social situations, such as at a bar, "this might become targeted at opposite-sex faces," Munafo said. By repeating the experiment with video clips shot at bars, the scientists hope to recreate those social cues and see what happens.
Not sure if I'm with Munafo's conclusion on this one. For guys, I think the goggles are targeted below opposite-sex faces. "Man, she's got a great set." Yep, a set that's part of a 200 pound collection.
They're going to repeat "the experiment" by shooting video at bars? Sounds like these so-called scientists might also end up targeting below face "sets of data," for "studying" back at the "lab." The type of studying that leaves a sample in a white Hanes Classics Crew Length.
"The main question is whether these effects are specific to faces, or whether we would rate anything as more attractive after a drink," Munafo said.
Like, for instance, the picture of a 1/2 lb Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito on the Why Pay More Menu at Taco Bell. She's a 470 calorie seductress after a night of Bud Light imbibing.
| Obviously, there's a difference in appearance between the burrito on the menu and the one in the wrapper. However, in approximately seven hours (depending on how much and which hot sauce you used), it's going to look the same as everything else you've ever eaten. | |
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Future research could expose people who have been drinking to landscapes or the faces of puppies and other animals, "to see if alcohol has a more general effect on perceiving beauty in the environment."
Or to expose bestiality. And whatever you call the urge to do it with a landscape.
Low dose
"It's also surprising to see this effect is happening at lower doses than you might think," Munafo said. "We're trying to build up a more complete picture of what happens when people go out for a drink, and we're interested in certain behaviors that are more common after drinking, such as unsafe sex, or violence. If this effect is happening at lower doses than expected, it might be helpful for people who are predisposed to such behaviors to anticipate those situations and prevent them."
Yes, unsafe sex and violence are common behaviors after drinking. But don't forget about the FourthMeal FaceStuffing—it's just as dangerous and messy. And they're are plenty of people who are predisposed to GrillJamming; to see some, just stand up from your office chair and take a look over the cubicle walls around you. No doubt, somebody, their sides spilling over buckling arm rests, is MouthCramming a SecondMeal, courtesy of the Bell.
The scientists would also want to vary the levels of alcohol that volunteers receive, "but there are practical and ethical constraints around how much alcohol we can give people in the lab!" Munafo told LiveScience.
Did he really exclaim it? I bet he did. And I bet he immediately laughed at himself afterward, snorting, as the interviewer remained silent on the other end of the phone.
Good thing for those "ostensibly" heterosexual male undergrads, there's no "practical and ethical constraints" around how much alcohol, from the tap of an off-campus keg, you can give to a girl. Or guy.
| "You know how I know you're gay? You just sucked on my hose, pledgscum. Now pull your pants down, 'cause it's time for some paddling!" |
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 | Sign up! And receive an e-mail every other Friday about the latest MOJO from the Van Damme DOJO. I can't promise you'll get in better shape. But I guarantee your cheeks will hurt. |
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