ESPN Page 2 lists Jean-Claude Van Damme in Kickboxer among worst acting performances by athletes. Are you effin' kiddin' me?

As usual, first thing this morning, I was all up on the Internets. Well, not first thing. I roll out of bed, literally, straight to the carpet, still in my bikini briefs—teal silk ones this morning, just like Van Damme's in Double Impact—and start my stretching routine, working toward my goal of doing the splits. My bulge was only a few inches from the top of the 12 inch wooden ruler I got at Wal-Mart's Back 2 School sale before fourth grade, so I'm guessing it shouldn't be long before I've got each leg on a chair, my goody bag between, hanging lower than my hamstrings—just like Van Damme in Bloodsport. Once I've noted my ruler-to-rubies measurement in my Five Star spiraled notebook, then I begin my Googling.

Look what he can do between these chairs, ladies. Now imagine what he can do between the sheets. To himself.

Today, while clicking through the Google results of "Jean-Claude Van Damme Kickboxer best actor awards", I came across an article, "The List: Worst acting performances by athletes", at Page 2 on ESPN.com. "Page 2 is a feature section of ESPN.com. The section contains humorous, opinionated articles on American sport..." (Wikipedia). Number 8 is Dennis Rodman's performance in Van Damme's Double Team, describing it as "even worse than his acting on the court." Understandable. Even Van Damme himself, in this video interview (at 5:03), admits that, after continuous script changes, Double Team "became more cartoonish." But the the article's blurb goes on to say "the Worm's performance actually made Jean-Claude Van Damme look good."

Excuse me? What exactly is being implied about the merits of JCVD's on-screen ability, which, in my not-so-humble opinion, is on par with Rodman's on-court rebounding ability? I'd ask the writer himself, but the article is attributed generally to the "Page 2 staff." (I say 'he' because I'm 100% certain no woman could ever respond to Van Damme's movie per-sex-sona with anything other than an increased heart rate and impure thoughts.) Thinking this jealousy-fueled hater-cism, cowardly phrased indirectly by an anonymous hack, the search terms contained therein each highlighted in a differing hue, was the reason for its search results inclusion, I prepared to move on.

And then my eyes arrived at the bottom of the page, location of the "Dishonorable mention." To my disbelief, after Lou Ferrigno's deserving diss for "The Incredible Hulk" TV series, Jean-Cluade Van Damme in "Kickboxer." Holy, what the, you've got to be, this is a bunch of, ARE YOU EFFIN' SERIOUS!

Did Page 2 Anonymous Hack even watch the movie? I doubt it. No way, and include my Sensei on a Worst Acting List, even if it is just a mention. I bet he went off the opinion he heard at his son's Little League game from some ponytail-wearing-despite-a-receding-hairline Dad who's a fan of Steven Segal movies and wearing Hanes Classic crew length socks with his velcro Teva sandals.

For the similarly misinformed, I present to you the trailer for Kickboxer, which highlights selected moments of brilliance from Jean-Claude's performance; moments, for your benefit, I've noted chronologically as a viewing guide.

• 0:24 JCVD yelling "Noooo!" while Tong Po delivers the paralyzing blow to his brother, Eric. That, folks, is horror, distilled to its purest form via the facial funnel of Van Damme. Notice how he clenches the ropes midway through his yell, subtly adding layers of tension. Those layers? That's what real actors do, my friend.


• 0:34 As JCVD says "I'll get him," notice the half second delay between when he opens his mouth and when the raising of his eyebrows triggers his tongue to deliver the forceful declaration. That delay? Called a "dramatic pause" in the biz.


• 1:35 "I will win that fight, for you and for me." How do average joe actors gesticulate determination? With a clenched fist, which JCVD does here. But, notice also the ever-so-slight protrusion of the lower jaw. That's what above average joe actors do; nay, BEST actors do.
  

Obviously, as I'm sure you now agree after watching the trailer with assistance from my notes, Jean-Claude has no business being on a list of worst acting performances by athletes. Interesting, though. Before, I was upset with the between-the-lines insinuation of Rodman's listing about my Sensei. But now, I realize Page 2 got one thing right: JCVD is an athlete, deserving to be honored or dishonored in the same breath as the likes of Brett Favre and Michael Jordan, both past MVPs of their respective sports. Let it be known that Van Damme has been and still is the current MVP of his sport; and that sport is ass-kickin' acting.