Spike TV buys Jean-Claude Van Damme's "Kickboxer." When's the next Damme movie marathon!?

According to an article posted on Variety.com, Spike TV made a deal with Lionsgate, purchasing two of Van Damme's movies, including Replicant.

And Kickboxer!

Hands down, it's among Van Damme's top five movies of all time, due in large part to its memorable training montage. Under the tutelage of his sensei, Xian Chow—who else knows more about kicking ass than an old, diminutive Asian man?—Jean-Claude, wearing what appears to be nurse's scrubs cut from a burlap sack, does all the things you'd expect to prepare himself for a climactic fight scene. None of which require dialogue. Just loud exhaling from Van Damme, and hand motions from Xian Chow whenever another spin kick is necessary.

Jean-Claude flexes shirtless outside of Chow's jungle bungalow. He spin kicks over the top of Chow's head amid ancient ruins. He practices his punching form. Under water. And, in my favorite part, he lays on the jungle floor, as Xian Chow, from the canopy, drops a coconut onto his chiseled abs. Approximately eight inches north of bursting the dreams of Van Damme's unborn children.

The turning point of the training comes when Xian Chow demands that Van Damme relentlessly pound his shin into a tree. Even without Jean-Claude's charismatic delivery, the dialogue drips with emotion.

"That's it. That's enough."
"Take your bag and leave my house."
"What? What's going on?"
"You don't want training."
"What? You want me to break my leg?"
"Your brother, remember?"
"Oh, you mean like this."

Good thing Mylee has a clean cloth ready to pat JCVD's bloodied shin.


Here's the footage on YouTube. According to one commenter, "Kickboxers actually do kick hard objects to condition their shins. The bone becomes denser over time." No joke. Just like how my bone becomes denser the more I watch Kickboxer.

Van Damme Fact: While training for the movie Kickboxer in California, JCVD kicked down a redwood. While it was falling, he forgot to yell "timber!" However, the tree yelled "limber!"

But Kickboxer mainly owes its greatness to the scene in which Van Damme, while drunk at the local village's bar, displays his one-of-a-kind dance moves. Or as I call them, his "baby-makin' gyrations."

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Then JCVD should be extremely flattered by these two gentleman, who not only adeptly mimic his moves, but also his outfit—their pants are pulled up to the "true" waist. With your pants up higher, it's easier to reach your pocket. And show off your buns.


I'll have you know that JCVD's dance moves are my secret weapon when I go out on the weekend. After arriving at a club, I do two things. First, I slam two Miller Lites—you don't get a body like mine drinking Genuine Draft. And then I get to slammin' on the dance floor just like the Sensei of Sexiness, while a cloud of long legs, giggles, and short skirts forms around me. And after doing those two things, I usually end up doing a third thing: makin' babies back at my apartment. True story.

I plan on using my secret weapon again next weekend. Maybe this time when I get back to my crib with a babeface and a boner, Kickboxer will be on Spike TV. I'll probably forget to say "timber," but she'll definitely scream "limber!"

Sign up! And receive an e-mail every other Friday about the latest MOJO from the Van Damme DOJO. I can't promise you'll LOL. But I guarantee your cheeks will hurt.

Name Email